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Katrina Report
Full Name: The Hurricane Katrina Commission Report, August 30, 2005 4:00 a.m. E.S.T. The Katrina Report is the published findings of the Katrina Commission which convened within less than 24 hours after Hurricane Katrina made landfall. The exact hour the Commission first met was August 30, 2005 at 4:00 a.m. E.S.T.. After the quick release of the report, White House correspondent Jeff Gannon asked at a briefing, "Isn't the fabulously, I mean... remarkably quick release of the Report just another example that shows this Administration has been on top of the situation from the start?" Press Secretary Scott McClellan replied. "Yes, Jeff. Yes it does. We have been on top of it. Thank you for that perceptive question. Drop by my office so we can discuss it more -- get to the bottom of it. Six-ish?" KATRINA LOGO MUGS Get your own Katrina Report mugs The Commission Report covers 5 major areas for reform: "]] Hurricane Forecasting Reform Report authors observed that officials had depended almost entirely on NOAA scientists for information and predictions about the storm track and probably intensity. They noted that Pat Robertson had been far more accurate in his predictions. It is the conclusion of this panel that a reliance on scientific "predictions" is an egregiously inadequate method of protecting God's children and the residents of this Great Land. Testimony to the panel from Rev. Pat Robertson, Dr. James Dobson, and Pastor Ted Haggard convinced the panel that only The Lord can know the mysteries of His Will. The panel therefore recommends that officials must turn to prayer and to reliable information from experts in the faith-based community. Government Response Within hours after the report was issued, DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff disbanded his department's Secretariat for Science & Technology and replaced it with the Secretariat for Faith & Technology. Other significant changed were made in the department. The so-called "scientists" at NOAA protested the conclusions of the report. They fired off dozens of memos and "studies" that attempted to show that their "scientific methods of prediction" actually work. As usual, however, the flurry of documents produced by that outfit were directed to what the administration calls the "Ozone Hole" -- a shredder located in the Commerce mail room. White House press secretary Scott McClellan explained the process to a reporter who asked about it. "Those guys at NOAA keep complaining about a so-called "ozone hole" and something they call "global warming." "Well," McClellan said with a smirk, "I'm here to tell you, that ozone hole is filling up real fast with all all the memos they've been sending." McClellan steadfastly refused to answer any of the dozens of follow-up questions. "I've told you all you need to know," he said. "Take that down. Type it up, and then go home to your wife and kids." Improving Building Construction Report authors observed that both FEMA and the Army Corps of Engineers had, in the Pre Nine-Eleven past, relied almost exclusively on the advice of secular architects and engineers to create plans for government-financed building projects. The report recommended a faith-based approach to building plans. Compelling testimony to the panel had demonstrated that monuments to faith (even, sometimes, misguided faith like in Egypt) are the most enduring structures in history. It is the conclusion of this panel that a reliance on scientific "engineering" and non-faith-based architecture is an egregiously inadequate method of protecting God's children and the residents of this Great Land. Testimony to the panel from Rev. Pat Robertson, Dr. James Dobson, and Pastor Ted Haggard reminded the panel that the oldest and most stable buildings in the world had been built by faith-based communities -- even though some of them were confused about the path to accepting Jesus Christ as their Personal Lord and Savior. The panel therefore recommends that officials must turn to prayer and to an architecture guided by faith and revelation. The panel further recommends that local zoning and land-use laws must be superceded by Federal mandates so that mega-churches and big-box stores can be built where the market dictates. Government response DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff immediately deputized his Undersecretary for Faith and Technology to implement the recommendations throughout the department. The Army Corps of Engineers was less responsive. They fired off memos protesting their fact-based engineering methods have been successful since 1775. As usual, however, the flurry of documents produced by that outfit were directed to what the administration calls the "Erosion Mitigation Project" -- which is thought to be a shredder located in a Pentagon mail room. White House press secretary Scott McClellan explained the process to a reporter who asked about it. "Those guys in the Corps keep complaining about a so-called "coastal erosion." "Well," McClellan said with a smirk, "I'm here to tell you, eroded coastlines are filling up real fast with all all the memos they've been sending." McClellan steadfastly refused to answer any of the dozens of follow-up questions. "I've told you all you need to know," he said. "Take that down. Type it up, and then go home and start on those novels you've all been thinking about." Compassionate Evacuations The panel noted that the term "victim" is considered offensive to many who have experienced the fullness of The Lord's Power during periods of natural "disaster." The Report notes that, "The experience of what we in our blindness call 'disaster' can bring God's children to understand How Mighty Is The Lord." The panel recommends that the term "disaster consumer" be used to refer to those who have been blessed by this sort of "rare and wonderful display of God's might." It is the conclusion of this panel that a reliance on government bureaucracies and Non Faith Based Charities for evacuation of disaster-consumers is an egregiously inadequate method of protecting God's children and the residents of this Great Land. Testimony to the panel from Rev. Pat Robertson, Dr. James Dobson, and Pastor Ted Haggard convinced the panel that alternatives to evacuation could prove more effective and less costly. The panel therefore recommends that strike forces be established that could quickly institute prayer circles for the unfortunate disaster consumers. These prayer circles are expected to obviate the need for messy evacuations, in most cases. The panel further recommends that, in those rare cases when an evacuation is necessary, officials must turn to prayer, to Faith Based Charities, and to reliable aid from experts in the faith-based community. On advice of the Office of the Vice President, the panel further recommends that Halliburton be hired with no-bid contracts for any additional evacuation duties. Government response Within hours of the reports release, DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff ordered FEMA director Michael Brown to sign a contract with Halliburton to take over the work of FEMA's Director of Response. The FEMA office for Emergency Prayer was beefed up to almost triple its previous size. A new office for prayer was established in DHS at the assistent-secretary level. Chertoff explained that this office will coordinate the prayerful work of the department throughout the year, to better prepare for storms. Liberal and near-Communist groups that call themselves "charities" complained loudly about the change. One of them -- something called the Red Cross -- forced several US Senators to sponsor an emergency resolution commending the work of that group and other non-faith-based charities. For a some unknown reason on which Wolf Blitzer speculated endlessly, the measure was co-sponsored by Liddy Dole (R-SC) who is usually usually reliably conservative. Fortunately, Bill Frist managed to bury the measure. Identifying Vulnerable Areas The panel noted that disaster and devastation are "profits of sin" and that those who "revel in the ways of the World" will be punished by a "vengeful God." It is the conclusion of this panel that a reliance on scientific "studies" is an egregiously inadequate method of protecting God's children and the residents of this Great Land. Testimony to the panel from Rev. Pat Robertson, Dr. James Dobson, and Pastor Ted Haggard convinced the panel that only those who have been Born Again and accepted Jesus Christ Our Lord as their Personal Savior can hope to avoid the wrath of God. The panel therefore recommends that officials must turn to prayer and to reliable information from experts in the faith-based community. We must not look to a "place" or an "area" to define our vulnerability, but to a condition, and that condition is called "Sin." Government response DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff hired hundreds of new staffers throughout his department to implement the advice of the panel. Again, however, a flood of memos from NOAA and the Army Corps of Engineers recommended that scientific studies and "forecasts" could "predict" where "natural disaster" might occur. "How can these people hope to know where God's Wrath might strike?" asked Commissioner Franklin Graham at the Report's release ceremony. "This is Pride and Foolishness," insisted Graham. "Pride and Foolishness! Pride! Foolishness!" Prevention It is the conclusion of this panel that a reliance on scientific "engineering" is an egregiously inadequate method of protecting God's children and the residents of this Great Land. Testimony to the panel from Rev. Pat Robertson, Dr. James Dobson, and Pastor Ted Haggard convinced the panel that only God can protect His Children and that only those who have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior will be Saved. The panel therefore recommends that all the citizens of this Great Nation must fall to their knees as ask that forgiveness be granted. Become born again in the Lord, your Savior. Yay, only in that way will they be saved. So sayeth the Lord. Commissioners' Commentary The most widely read section of the report is the Commissioners' Commentary at the end. Disney based most of its hit movie "Path To 8-29: Swimming To Houston" on this section. Commissioners interviewed thousands hundreds dozens of several a few of the many grateful disaster consumers who had been rescued from the path of the storm due to the foresight of the Bush Administration. All of them expressed wonder at the "might of Our Lord" and deep gratitude at the speed and efficiency of the response by "Our President and the wonderful people who work for him." Commissioner Franklin Graham noted during the report's release ceremony that these interviews "convinced the panel of how lucky these Children of God were to have experienced the mighty Way of Our Lord and God." Graham said that the interviews filled the panel with "compassion and awe." The panel was not as kind when they turned to media coverage of the Katrina "faith opportunity" (as they called it). "The media looked only at the bad things. How can Americans hope to appreciate wonderful work done by Our Government working for Our Lord when the media bombard them with images of a few untidy spots in the region?" asked the panel.